The Emotional Wound In The Warrior

We think of the Warrior archetype as the source of masculine energy which is responsible for getting things done in the world. And so it is, but underlying this is a deeper need in all of us to make an impact on the world.

To make an impact you must be sure at the heart of your being that your very existence is right and proper. You must know you have a right to exist, a right to occupy the space you’re in. And an unconditional right at that.

Shadow work expert Marianne Hill calls the Warrior by a new name, the Action Taker. Here, she explains its function in our lives.

And to know that, you must know where your physical and emotional boundaries lie. You must have a clear sense of your own identity. Only then will you be able to build the foundations of true adult male power and presence, and have the ability to make an impact on others.

In an ideal world these qualities emerge naturally as a child grows and develops. When a baby is born there is no separation in the baby’s mind between baby and mother. That separation develops over the first year of life as the child gradually comes to realize that he or she is a separate being with the ability to impact the world and get his or her needs met. This is part of the child’s identity formation and individuation.

At the same time as he starts to develop an awareness of his psychological boundaries, he also naturally begins to experience the boundaries of his body. These represent the physical boundaries of his existence in the world.

If all goes well with this process a child will develop a clear sense of separation from his parents. As he does so, he gradually realizes he can make demands of the world and comes to understand he can refuse to cooperate with the demands made of him. He realizes he has a will of his own and that he can say “No!” And so he comes to understand he has power in the world.

Very often a child’s “No” is more about learning to set boundaries than saying “I don’t want that!” In reality the child is exploring the difference, the separation, between himself and his parents. At the same time he is experimenting with his newly discovered sense of power and potency in the world: what we call agency.

If his parents are strong enough, mature enough, and wise enough to hold this energy in a loving way and to accept their child’s “No!” as a sign of his individuality and growth, then he can develop a strong sense of self-identity and come to know he has power in the world.

This is a healthy process which leads a child to the unconscious certainty that he is indeed his own person and that he has a right to exist in the world in his own image. And then he can naturally embrace many of the qualities of the balanced Warrior.

Unfortunately ours is not an ideal world.

A lot of men in my men’s workshops tell me how their mothers, fathers, siblings, friends and other adults invaded their boundaries when they were children.

In fact I think almost every child experiences adults infringing their boundaries in one way or another. That can range from a lack of respect for their privacy or personal space all the way through to deliberate emotional, physical or sexual abuse.

But whether minor or major, any kind of boundary incursion, repeated often enough, inevitably has some impact on a child’s developing identity, sense of self and warrior energy. And each time it happens the response inside the child is likely to be anger. That’s because anger is not only the energy which drives boundary setting; it is also the natural response to the infringement of our boundaries.

Unfortunately anger is an emotion which can be difficult for parents to accept in their child. Some parents have their own issues with anger. Maybe it scares them. Maybe they can’t hold it safely for their child while he learns to hold it safely for himself. Maybe they just don’t want an angry child in the family.

Whatever the reason, a child may have to repress his anger if he is to be accepted as a full member of the family unit. This is a direct assault on the child’s right to express his feelings freely. It’s also an assault on his right to an independent, individuated existence.

The message which the child picks up is some variation of “You can’t exist as a separate person in your own right.” More simply, we could express the message as “Don’t exist as you are.”

Of course the Warrior wound doesn’t have to be as extreme as an overt or covert injunction which says “Don’t exist.” Often the message a child picks up is something more like “You can’t be yourself.” “You can’t exist as who you are.” “You are only wanted here if you become what we want you to be.” And so on.

These are messages which tell the child his existence in the world will always be conditional on him being a certain way, or on getting somebody else’s approval. And that can be just as harmful to a child’s sense of self as the simpler and more direct message “Don’t exist.”

So the Warrior wound is an emotional wound about existence and identity. Somehow a child comes to understand that his identity, the way he is, perhaps even his very existence, simply isn’t acceptable in its natural form. Somehow he comes to know that his right to assert himself, his natural self-confidence, his assertiveness, and even the anger which arises when his boundaries are infringed cannot be freely expressed. Instead it must be put into shadow. This is an emotional wounding which can have devastating consequences.

Often, men and women with this particular difficulty will turn to deep process psychotherapy. But there is a strong case to suggest that shadow work is more effective than deep process psychotherapy in rebalancing repressed anger, because it is an action-based system which involves parts work. If you feel that shadow work may be helpful for you, you may like to consult a shadow work coach or facilitator. Here are some listings, by area in the UK:

Francisco Cabeza West offers shadow work sessions in the Midlands and online.

Ali Kirk is based in the Welsh Borders, and offers face to face sessions in Hereford and Abergavenny and also shadow work sessions online via Zoom.

Richard Martyn offers clients individual shadow work sessions, either in Bristol, or at his office in West Gloucestershire, or online. 

Rachel Mitchell offers shadow work sessions in Bristol in person. 

You can see more listings of facilitators at www.shadowcoaches.co.uk  and  shadowwork.eu

More About Warrior Wounding !

There are many variations of this wounding which can continue throughout boyhood and adolescence. For example, if a boy’s sadness and tears are unacceptable to his family, the message the child receives may be something like: “We don’t want your sadness around here. Take it somewhere else. If you want to be a part of this family, don’t show your sadness to us.”

When faced with this ultimatum, whether it’s spoken or implicit, a boy will repress his tears because he wants to remain a part of the family group both physically and emotionally. He may start to cover his tears and sadness by hiding them behind anger. (I’ve met many men in the course of my work who weren’t allowed to express their anger during childhood and put it into shadow to please their parents. I’ve met many more who did not have the freedom to show their grief and so put their sadness and tears into shadow.)

Whatever the exact nature of his wounding, if a boy learns to hide, repress and deny the anger which naturally arises in him when his boundaries are violated, he will develop a relationship with anger which definitely won’t serve him later in life.

He may not be able to assert himself. He may not know what is acceptable to him and what isn’t. He may not be able to say “No!” He may be called names like “pussy” or “wimp”. He may feel like a walk-over. In the extreme he may become a boundary-less individual who is open to invasion from everyone who wants to step over his boundaries, deliberately or accidentally. He may become passive-aggressive, showing indirect resistance to the demands of others and an avoidance of direct confrontation.

There can be more subtle consequences as well. If a boy doesn’t develop an appropriate level of self-confidence, assertiveness and warrior energy, and the well-defined sense of self that goes with it, as an adult he may simply not know what he stands for. One minute he’ll agree with one person, one point of view, and the next he’ll agree with somebody else taking precisely the opposite point of view.

In short, the more a boy represses his anger the less likely he is to become a man able to defend his boundaries, stand up for himself, speak his mind forcefully, take appropriate action, be powerful and decisive, and generally make a mark in the world.

Of course the energy of anger repressed into shadow does not go away. Often it builds up bit by bit until it reaches cyclone-like force. Then, perhaps in response to the slightest trigger, this energy may erupt as emotional or physical violence all over anyone or anything  unfortunate enough to be near the man. In the opposite extreme, the suppressed anger is turned against the self and becomes some kind of reactive depression. But whether his anger inflates (intensifies) or deflates (becomes less obvious), this angry energy is alive and well inside the man’s shadow unconscious, from where it will constantly leak out in various ways.